Divorces Are Made In Heaven (Oscar Wilde)..... But Are They Though?!!

I agree and disagree with you Mr Wilde!

Firstly the heavenly bit. If a marriage is loveless and irreconcilable then surely there can be no benefit for either party to struggle on, feeling trapped and as though life is permanently on hold. So, divorce, at least, gives the key to the exit and once you have navigated the actual divorce process, it gives you a new beginning. Not to be sniffed at!

However, the not so heavenly bit is the whole process and I firmly believe that it should be much simpler and less soul destroying.

I am writing this today more than 6 years on from the ending of my marriage. I can absolutely tell you hand on heart that never has there been a more turbulent time in my life and a time when I spent so many hours wondering what I had done to end up in such a hellish situation. But I stuck with it and carried on, fighting all the time for my kids' security and as much stability as possible, knowing that although I wished they didn't have to join the statistics of children from broken homes, the marriage was not happy and I felt drained and hollow.

So decision made, there then came an extraordinarily long journey, navigating mediation, solicitors and finally court with a devastating outcome that rocked my world. Almost 3 years to reach that point and I was left with barely anything:- no home, no financial security, no faith in the legal system! But I had my kids and the knowledge that I had done everything in my power to protect them. I remember after the court hearing, there were so many days where I was just going through the motions, my head and my heart being somewhere/anywhere else, not wanting to acknowledge what had happened and how I had come to be in this position.

So I had to make a choice:- either stay on that downward spiral of despair or do something to change my stars. I thought about counselling or antidepressants but neither felt right for me. I knew that my response to my circumstances was to blame for those feelings of despair and for me, pity and empathy were the last things I needed. So I sat myself in front of the mirror and started to coach myself! I was quite rude and brutal actually.... saying things to myself that I would never dream of saying to my clients! But it worked! And it worked incredibly quickly. I started off in floods of tears, then after some very stern words to myself and some incredible light bulb moments where I suddenly realised I had some HUGE limiting beliefs that were adding to my stresses, I started to think about my situation very differently and literally within a few minutes I was feeling SOOOO much better.

It still took time to lose the anger and resentment that I held towards the system and of course my ex husband and out of everything that happened, that wasted negative energy is probably what I regret the most. The only person feeling bad as a result of my anger was me and I did't deserve that. It is so easy to say that you shouldn't feel angry with others and I am living proof that just letting go of those feelings is so very difficult but once they are released, then you can march on with your life feeling truly free.

So here I sit now, today, 6 years on, feeling stronger, more empowered and independent than ever and knowing without question that I made the right decision and that I am now in control of my life and that I do matter.

If you are there, going through this, feeling like you can't go on, wondering if it will ever end and if you will get to feel whole again, please believe me, you can. You've got this. Remember how strong you are and that you have survived this far, living in whatever unhappy circumstances have led you to this part of your life. Life is not supposed to be a constant strain and humans were definitely not designed to feel trapped and caged. If you are experiencing those dark times, please remember that this will get better. Materially you may not have all the things you had hoped for when it is over, but you will have your soul and your freedom. And you can't buy those! The divorce statistics will show you that you are not on your own. Millions of people have been through or are going through the same right now.

So for now, I send to you love, strength and courage and my hope that you very soon find the peace that you deserve.

I'll finish my story with a quote I came across which sums up pretty much how I felt!

"Daily I walk around my small, picturesque town with a thought bubble over my head: 'Person Going Through A Divorce.' When I look at other people, I automatically form thought bubbles over their heads. 'Happy Couple With Stroller.' 'Innocent Teenage Girl With Her Whole Life Ahead Of Her,' ... 'Young Kids Kissing Publicly.' Then every so often I see one like me, one of the shambling gaunt women without makeup, looking older than she is: 'Divorcing Woman Wondering How The Fuck This Happened.'" –Suzanne Finnamore, Split: A Memoir of Divorce